My family lives in Japan. When I visit them, I will meet with all the friends and family I can. I will work on extensive letters to each. I will enjoy my time before my death. One of the days, I will go shopping for something nice to wear. On the planned day, I will get ready in a nice outfit and makeup. I will tell my Mom, "今日は、自分で冒険に行きます。" I will ride the train to Fujisawa, a seaside town I have many memories in. I will buy a bouquet of flowers for myself. I will explore the suburbs until I find a train overhead. I will take off my shoes. I will leave a letter and some of my belongings near my shoes. I will jump off when a train comes. I will be hit by the train and die.

I thinking of a way to die beautifully. I have thought out a plan, and I will execute it within the next couple months. I want the people I know what I was thinking during the events leading up to my death.

1/11/25 I know that this is a horrible thing to do. I know that I am not supposed to be doing this, that it wont make me better. But I genuinely can't see myself living past my mid twenties. I'm not sure how I'll fare alone, but I dont want to stay home as to not further burden my family. If I wasn't here, the family would be better off finacially. They would be able to live together. **I** am the only thing that is separating them at the moment.

I think this intense feeling is partly do to my meds being upped recently. Maybe something went wrong there. I'm not entirely sure. I just know that the plan is finally forming in my mind. I've attempted suicide before, but it was on a whim. I havent really planned it out like this. I've lived a bad life. I live with ptsd, treatment resistant depression, bpd, anxiety, and probably whatever else you can think of. I've tried many different therapists & types of therapy. I've tried many different meds. I've done inpatient, I've done outpatient, I've done residential. I'm not sure where to go at this point. What am I supposed to do? Nothing feels good. It hasnt felt good in years. I'll have moments of fleeting joy that for some reason, I can't hold on to. My brain is filled with the "everything ends eventually, just get it done yourself. Now." mentality. I'm not sure how to change it.